Centaurus

Centaurus were a heavy metal band that released an album in 1978, a time when metal was still evolving into its current form. While this may sound impressive, there were several releases in this year that made Centaurus sound laughable in comparison. These included Rainbow's Long Live Rock 'n' Roll, Judas Priest's Stained Class and Killing Machine, Budgie's Impeckable, Heavy Load's Full Speed at High Level, Black Sabbath's Never Say Die, etc.

There isn't much information about this band, but from what I know the band hailed from Los Angeles and were signed to Azra Records, a low-budget label which later signed notable groups such as Jag Panzer and Overkill. Their production values made the record sound like it came out 10 years before it was actually recorded. This would be all right if the music was any good...

After several seconds of guitar feedback, the record begins with the Deep Purple influenced "In the Mood", where the production is instantly noticeable. While it's not nearly as bad as Afterbirth's or even Exmortes' production, it still sounds awkward and the instruments sound like they're playing different songs at the same time as each other.

The band's singer is pretty decent, sounding like a young Ian Gillan (again with the Deep Purple references...) In the chorus of the song he goes all out, screaming,
"BABY YOU CAN STAY INSIDE I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE...
TOONNNIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!" (what?)

Unfortunately he never reaches that level of intensity ever again.

Besides the first track, "If I Build My World for You" is reminiscent of Uriah Heep (a poor man's version, obviously.)

1/3 of the material on this album is ambient, "psychedelic" noise with odd titles such as "To the Wireless". It is like Godzilla, but with even less of an atmosphere, if you can imagine that...

Listen to the album at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXtYtUNN2aM

Leviticus - I Shall Conquer

Usually, when I write articles for this site I discuss how bad a certain band is musically. But the band mentioned in this article is not one of the worst metal bands ever due to being bizarre or untalented. No, this band is in the Hall of Shame due to their packaging (as well as some of their lyrical content, but we'll get to that later.) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, LEVITICUS.

With my sexy muscles and mustache, I SHALL CONQUER THIS LAND!

Named after the last chapter of the Old Testament, Leviticus were a Christian metal band with similar lyrical ideas as Torn Flesh. I found this at a vinyl convention while browsing for some underground metal records. Once I encountered this record, I had stared in awe at the cover art. The thing was $12, meaning I had to spend over a third of my budget on this one album if I was going to buy it. Before making my purchase, I quickly scanned the back cover. There's no scan available on the internet, but it contains a picture of two band members performing. They're dressed in generic glam fashion, shirtless and with headbands and 80's pants. Their fashion sense, while not the best, still beats the infamous Stryper (who also happen to be yet another Christian band.)

The Lord is not pleased.

On the bottom of the back cover there is a review of the album by the manager of their record label which promises that the band's lyrics "cut like a two-edged sword" and "make their stance quite clear." If someone has to write a paragraph telling you that this record is supposed to be good, the contents inside must be really bad, I thought.

I had no idea what the record would sound like. The cover suggested overly macho, self induglent power metal (but for the Lord, of course) while their fashion suggested glam metal in the vein of those psycho, freaky human bees called Stryper...

On my way home from the convention, I opened up the sleeve. It contained all of the album's lyrics, featuring such gems as:

"I walk along, Yes, I walk on the road
Together with Jesus, together with Jesus"

"And your name, yeah, crushes every lie
And I will praise and adore your Holy name"

"When the Lord goes before His People
And fight against the dark, the earth and heaven shake
With the power of his might"

And best of all:

"I fear no evil, cause You are with me
Your rod and staff they comfort me"

When I actually put on the record I was disappointed. I thought this was going to be one of the worst records ever, but it ended up being a mediocre traditional metal record with Christian themes and lyrics. The singer's vocals were strained and mediocre, as well.

If you are still interested, you can listen to the album in its entirety at:
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2B06A60ABC44C600&feature=mh_lolz

Torn Flesh

Torn Flesh were an American "Christian thrash metal" band. They are infamous for their unintelligible lyrics and generic music. Their first release, 1988's Love Kills featured timeless songs such as "No Surfin' in Hell", "Sowing Machine", "GODog" and "Where Worms Never Die". In the same year this demo was abridged into four songs and an interview at the end and released as the Thrashin' EP.

In 1989 Torn Flesh made their second and final album, Crux of the Mosh. The material is just as bad as the first album despite improved production values.

The album begins with two fairly straightforward songs, the title track and "End the Fight". Right away the vocalist sounds even more Cookie Monster like than even the most stereotypical death metal vocalist. He even uses these random and totally unnessecary low pitched, "demonic" vocal effects whenever he feels like it. If your band is trying to save souls for Jesus then try to make your lyrics at least somewhat comprehensible!

Track 3, "World Pollution" is a mid tempo song with an overly long intro consisting of a lame three note bass riff being played over a recording of a news report. After this intro is finally over, the song contains some of my "favorite" lyrics on the album:

"We say we're God's children
But we need our diapers changed
Cheap perfume and incense
To cover up the pains."

"Dead to the World" is a rerecording of a song from Love Kills. From here the album starts losing steam but there are still "highlights" such as a minute long metal version of "Happy Birthday".

Such a decision was pointless and even another rerecording of a song from Love Kills would be preferable. More "highlights" include an unintentionally hilarious song about gay rights and the last two tracks, "Hollywood Heaven" (another rerecording) and "The Ultimate Finale" (it's not.) And of course there is also this article's "overuse of quotation marks."

Listen to Crux of the Mosh on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9i37tsjKiqs&playnext=1&list=PL52B99D83CF0B8813

Metal Bands I Wanted to Write About (But Couldn't)

Apocalypse: American one man band from Manchester, New Hampsire. Apocalypse played ambient black metal. I didn't write an article about this band because it would be a rehash of the Exmortes article.

Enmity: American band from Tucson, Arizona. They play brutal death metal. I didn't write an article about this band because their material is unlistenable.

Extreme Napalm Terror: German band from Frankfurt am Main, Hesse. They played grindcore on their first album and death metal on their second album. I didn't write an article about this band because their material is unlistenable, and also because their material was released on Metal Enterprises, a label I've already written two articles about.

Kuster: Belgian band. They played traditional metal. This band is notable for having one of the worst vocalists in all of metal. I didn't write an article about this band because I couldn't find any of their EPs.

Wheelz of Steel: American two man band from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They played traditional metal. The band was not named after the classic Saxon album, but the fact that the people in this band were seriously messed up people in wheelchairs. Didn't write an article about this band for the same reasons as Kuster.

Godzilla

Godzilla were another studio band from Metal Enterprises. Their first album, Godzilla was released in 1989 with the exact same lineup as Break Point. The cover of this debut album is infamous for not only being a horrible looking design, but it also shows a picture of THE PREDATOR when the album cover cleary says GODZILLA! It makes me wonder if there was some band called Predator who released an album with Godzilla on the cover... The music itself is pretty standard AC/DC esque "party rock." This album is filled with short, mediocre songs with titles such as "Don't Stop the Boogie" and "I Don't Want to Be No Millionare" (didn't AC/DC themselves have a song with a title similar to that on the Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap album?) I've also mentioned already that this album has the original version of "Maniacs", which is better than the Break Point version because there's no annoying synth and the singer is better. The drum machine from other studio efforts by the label sounds somewhat more natural here but its presence is still noticeable. The album is cliched, but it's really not that bad.

 

    But the second Godzilla album, HOLY CRAP. This album, like Afterbirth's Who's in There? truly deserves a track by track review of its own. Before we start, it should be noted that Gary Wheeler doesn't sing on this album either.

 

    The album begins with "Ingoz", probably the stupidest intro on any album ever released. It begins with some guy whispering, "For the killing joke..." and then some random guitar riff apears. After that, we get the deadly combination of the terrible guitars, the clunky drum machine and the vocalist trying to sound scary by screaming "GODZILLA!" into the microphone but instead it sounds as if he's constipated.

 

    After that, we're treated to a seven minute cover of "Helter Skelter" by YOU KNOW WHO! The cover is probably the best part of the album, but the cover is stretched far too long and features some annoying female backing vocals and some synth that really doesn't belong in the cover.

 

    After that, we're treated to the heartfelt ballad, "Ass of the Prophet". The less we talk about that, the better.

 

    This is followed by "I Followed the Zombie", a song that must be heard to be believed. It cannot be described at all. But right now you should be thinking about the worst song in the world. Maybe it's a song by Justin Bieber, maybe it's a song from this website, or maybe even the music from Action 52 or Crazy Bus. Either way, none of those musicial failures come close to what you are about to hear (you know, except for Crazy Bus.)

 

    "Cinderella Rockefella" features the annoying backing vocalist from the "Helter Skelter" cover handling all of the vocals. This song doesn't even count as metal! There's some distorted guitars, but they're accompanied with the most annoying synthesizer riff repeated over and  over and over and over and over again!

By the middle of the song, everything is messed up. The vocals start playing backwards at different speeds, and that annoying synthesizer riff is still going! MAKE IT STOP! After doing a YouTube search, it turns out the band stole this fairly straightforward 60's song called "Cinderella Rockefella" and turned it into an abomination. BUT WHY!?!?!?!?

 

    "Halfbreed", while an incredibly stupid song, is heaven compared to those last two songs. But like every song on this album, it's way too long and repetitive. The music is still really bad and the lyrics are really stupid, but the singer in this song sounds like Nelson from The Simpsons for some reason.

 

    After "Halfbreed", we have the ambient track "Killing Joke" which actually sounds a lot like Jan List (but with even worse vocals and lyrics, which were so bad his stolen cow finally ran away from him after years of torture and abuse.) The entire thing is just the singer screaming references to earlier songs in the album and "IT'S TIME TO SAY GOOD NIGHT!" with a "creepy" atmosphere which is just slightly better than Jan's.

 

    When "Killing Joke" finally ends, we get the song "Foul." It is the best original song in the album because it features actual guitar riffs, even if they are just as generic as the ones in the first Godzilla album. Synthesizers are still dominant, making the track still not heavy metal besides having an actual riff or two.

 

    The album ends with "Outgoz", which is a pointless reprise of "Ingoz".

 

    Actually, I should take back those words. Godzilla II has changed my life. It is not a metal album, but there is no genre classification that can truly describe it. It exists in its own, isolated world, isolated even from the other albums released by Metal Enterprises. Godzilla II is a truly unique, expirimental experience. Every instrument in this album bleeds into one another with perfect harmony, with a good amount of space in the dry mix for all of them to shine at least for one song. The drum machine fits perfectly with the atmosphere, and the guitars and synthesizers have a unique sound that can't be heard anywhere else. The lyrics take us on an abstract journey that will question the mind, the soul, and just about every aspect of human nature. Most pop lyrics talk about love, dancing or just having a good time. But Godzilla write a concept piece that reveals true feelings about such things as abandonment, following zombies and even the asses of prophets. Laugh if you want, but Godzilla have the same honesty and emotion as Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon. But while The Dark Side of the Moon has become one of the biggest selling albums of all time, Godzilla II has become sadly misunderstood. Indeed, I believe Godzilla II is the best album ever released.

 

Listen to "Godzilla II"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34OKDhbKZlA

 

BONUS!

 

Listen to the theme from "Crazy Bus"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC0cvwnG0Ik

Exmortes

Exmortes was a talentless one man band formed by Jan List in 1988. His music has frequently been described as "raw black noise" (a subgenre of black metal, which is a subgenre of heavy metal, which is a subgenre of rock originally influenced by the blues...) His first EP, the appropriately titled "****kin' Nightmare" was released in 1989. The entire production job is a mess, as well as the actual music. It was probably recorded on a four track tape in his mother's basement, which makes me wonder what happened between the recording of each song...

 

Mom: "Jan, can you please keep that down? I'm trying to make your dinner!"

Jan: "MOM! I'M RECORDING MY DEBUT EP! THIS IS IMPORTANT!"

Mom: "Oh, you and your fantasies..."

Jan: "I'M SERIOUS!"

Mom: "You can record your noise after dinn..."

Jan: "I HAVE TO RECORD THIS NOW!!!"

Mom: "SHUT UP! YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

 

    The drums sound like Jan is beating the living crap out of a cow from a local farm, as he plays some random blast beats, makes a mistake, stops for a second, and plays some more blast beats. The guitar sounds like he's playing all the wrong notes, as this cow is showing no mercy against him. The vocals are the most clear in the prodcution, as he has a unique vocal style of "mumbling into a four-track tape while you ruin your distortion petal by stepping on it way too much." The bass isn't even audible.

 

    Jan's songwriting is just as bad as his musical abilities. This has been proven by his decision to put random applause into the beginning of the EP's last track, "Destroyed Land" (it must have been about the farm he found the cow in...)

 

    In 1990, he released his second EP, "Hear the Saw... Coming Near". By now, Jan wasn't even trying anymore. He just growls his vocals into the microphone, repeats the same chord through a flanger for the duration of a song, and calls it "black metal". The only remotely positive thing I can say about this is that the atmosphere is slightly creepier than the first EP.

 

    After this, Jan released the single "Lord of Temptation" and did a split EP with Apator, some guy who screamed random sentences about Satan into a microphone and decided it was black metal. After the release of the split EP with Apator, Jan finally called it quits. Thank God.

 

Listen to "Hear the Saw... Coming Near"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zJtdHjWYBc

Break Point

Break Point were a studio creation by the infamous label Metal Enterprises. Their first album, "Elephant's" [sic] was released in 1987. It featured Gary Wheeler on lead vocals and Ingo Nowotny on guitars (and probably bass). The drums were provided by a drum machine, probably because these studio bands were so terrible they couldn't even find a drummer. In 1990, their second (and last) album, "Maniacs" was released. Gary Wheeler was replaced by some anonymous singer. To get a basic idea of what he sounds like, imagine one of your favorite songs slowed down by about 25%. The first song on the album, "Maniacs" was lifted directly from the first Godzilla album in a display of laziness. The rest of the songs are mostly generic love ballads, such as "I Wanna Be Your Man" (not a Beatles cover), "Song for Lovers" and "Still Lovin' You". "Emotion" stands out because the singer attempts rapping in a hard rock song. However, this song is still better than any of the "nu-metal" bands of the 90s. Overall, Break Point were a generic hard rock band with nothing to make themselves stand out with.

 

Listen to "Maniacs":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nf2mI9MYqsA

Parts 2, 3 and 4 should be in the list of related videos.

Afterbirth

Afterbirth was an independent Heavy Metal / Hardcore Punk crossover band from Tawas City, Michigan. They were first formed as Anarchy, probably the most generic name for a Punk band you can think of. The members of this band decided to wear 100% Heavy Metal costumes (though their music barely counts as Metal, I'm afraid) and give themselves over the top, ridiculous nicknames such as "Celestial" and "Kaos" [sic]. They recorded their first demo tape, "The Way Out", in 1987. At some point two of the members quit / were fired, leaving Kaos to be the only original member of the band. After Kaos found replacements for the two former band members, they changed their name to Afterbirth and recorded their second demo tape, "Better Than Jello" in 1988. Apparently claiming they were better than a dessert was the best title they could think of. Later that year, they recorded their first and only offical release, "Who's in There?", an EP. This release contains some of the most dumb, juvenile, yet hilarious music ever recorded to tape. But really, did you expect intelligence from a band named Afterbirth? Anyway, this record deserves a few paragraphs of its own.

 

    The album cover features a black and white photo of the band in their 100% Metal costumes standing near a door they are about to answer, "threateningly" glaring at the listener. I think you can easily figure out why the EP is called "Who's in There?" by now. Considering that this was probably recorded on a low budget, this cover is acceptable.

 

    The actual music in the album is standard Hardcore Punk with very little Metal influence. Besides the simplicity of the material, the band members make some mistakes, so either the recording was rushed, or the material was unrehearsed. However, the lyrics are where the album really shines. They are random, bizarre and quite silly. Unfortunately, these lyrics are hard to comprehend due to the lo-fi recording quality.

 

    The record begins with the song "Sixteen", which is a rebellious teen hate anthem with a decent guitar solo in the middle. "All I Want is Two" is about a food which is never mentioned in the lyrics. I'm guessing it was Jell-O.... "Blood Rush" is a short, energetic song about well, a blood rush.

 

    "Mr. Louis" is the highlight and the most popular song of this EP. In this song the band seems more focused and more angry. The nonsensical lyrics have also been amped up to eleven, as the song contains lots of mindless swearing. The song attacks Mr. Louis, who was probably a teacher in the Tawas City High School, as the lyrics frequently mention school. The only real reason they vulgarly ridicule Mr. Louis is because he has a girlfriend named Beth whom the band think is "fat and ugly". Even that reason is somewhat nonsensical because they seem to hate Beth just because she looks dumb. The rest of the song consists of lyrics about how Mr. Louis is stupid and various acts of revenge the band do such as "spitting a goober in Mr. Louis' Coke." No, I did not just make that up. The guitar solo features an unexpected, uproarious punk quotation of "Mary Had a Little Lamb". There's also a nice, brief drum break at the end of the final verse before the band go into the chorus one last time.

 

    The rest of the EP is filled with mediocre minute long tracks. "You're the Cheese" is an agressive song insulting the listener, calling him or her "the cheese." Really, what is it with this band's obsession with snacks? Saying the listener is "the cheese" might as well be a compliment. "The Cool Tavern" is an out of tune song about a fictional "cool tavern" where the band "picks up chicks" and it's "where they hang out." I must wonder what the social lives of the band members were like by now. The EP closes with "Who's in There?", a short skit involving someone being interrupted while urinating. The interrupting person is probably supposed to be a strong, muscular type. He yells, "WHO'S IN THERE?" and the urinating person screams. The person yelling "WHO'S IN THERE?" sounds like a talking cat due to the fact that before "WHO'S IN THERE?" is yelled, the character mumbles something that sounds like "Meow, meow, meow." How the cat found its way into the restroom is up to the listener.

 

    This EP was recorded at Bub-n-Lar Studios. Looking it up on the Internet produced no results. The record was apparently popular at Wyatt Earp Records, which sat displayed right in front of the 7" vinyl section. Suprisingly, this store is still open. After "Who's in There?" came out, Afterbirth changed their name back to Anarchy and recorded two more demos in 1989 or 1990 before calling it quits.

 

    In conclusion, this would make an abysmal Metal EP but it's really not metal. It's more of a Hardcore Punk EP. So in the end, Afterbirth were really a mediocre garage band with an outrageous image but oddly playful songs.

 

Listen to the EP:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUSC_sRjxAI

Welcome!

The intention of this site is to find and review the most bizarre and terrible Metal records ever released in the 80's and early 90's. In-depth articles are posted about each band and new articles are added weekly. At the end of each article there will be a YouTube video (or multiple videos, depending on how long the release is) featuring a full-length stream of each release. Most of the bands documented on this website are from the infamous German label Metal Enterprises, which will be explored in the articles about bands on that label.